The End

i haven't blogged in a while and don't intend to restart, at least here. the point of this web page was to truly be a quiet place where i could reflect on my life and in the process, people would be up to date on where i was at. well, the blog is far from keeping people up to date and the tension of whether i was writing for myself or for the millions of readers out there...whether, there is the impression factor and wanting to say the right things or the guarded factor and not being truly open, just didn't do it.

i have picked up writing again, but it's between me and God, which frees me up to be more of myself. to truly be honest between myself and God...

i do want to keep my family blog which can give others a snapshot of how the family is doing. besides that, you can always call or email to see what's up. i'm also on the myspace thing if you want to look me up - first and last name, search indiana and you'll find me. i log on there about every 5 months. as you can tell, i'm trying to minimize the time that i spend online these days. there is too little time with the 6 kids that we have now, (just kidding, it's still 3, emma/luke/joshua).

so, all this to bring closure to this quiet place. thanks jackie for reading (not sure how, but i'm pretty sure i'll get a comment from you within 24 hours of this post)

adios all!

wow. so i literally just finished submitting my previous post and went back to npc to casually listen to another message because i recognized the speaker's name as someone i knew. the introduction, by the pastor, might as well have been God coming on stage and personally inviting me to watch the ensuing 4 part series (which was actually archived from a year ago on father's day '06)

fight club. "it's worth the fight"

as the series title promises, i know i need to fight, but i don't know if i'm ready, willing, able, or wanting to expose myself. yet, as andy speaks, i know i'm listening to the very heart and words of God. i know this is for me. it's what i need to hear, but boy this isn't the time of life to get messy. do i really want to engage and put the principles of what i'll hear into action? it's too busy and there are too many other people who need me put together nicely, holding it all together.

abba, help me be brave. fight for me. be my strength. be my sufficiency. you've led me to this point. i will only follow your lead.

i listend to gracie's doctor today explain the process of wart removal. i guess the drying up and cutting out the dead skin is a picture of what my heart needs to endure to rid my soul of this black spot.

i will be listening.

interesting comment that was left. those words are very consistent with a message i am listening to right now. it is nice to rest in my identity as the be-loved. as chosen. as adopted.

bad news. i did not call him.
good news. i just found out that my insurance allows for 30 reduced rate counseling sessions through the year.

it seems that issues never end. it seems as if my family doesn't know how to exist without some kind of drama. the waters are never calm. i pray for peace in my family, my sisters, my brother, my mom, grandparents, in laws.

fathers day nears and a perfect day of love and honoring and rest with the weekend off, turns into a weekend of internal anticipation, sorrow, and struggle as i dread whether i call because the calendar says i have to or feel guilty if i don't call because honestly there is nothing in my heart that says that i want to right now. i'd be calling just to call. i feel hurt, burned, let down, alone in the relationship, and tired. tired of being the one to initiate. tired of shallow talk. tired of no emotional connection. tired of no acknowledgement or apology. am i victimizing myself as he says, or do i have a right to feel hurt and owed? meanwhile, God, give me your strength and love to be the best dad i can be. by your grace, prevent my imperfections from affecting and being passed down to them.

angry. danger for my heart.

it was nice to lay on the couch before her bedtime, inviting emma to come over and lay down next to me. it was nice to speak words of love to her and know that they were a welcome sound to her compared to the often spoken frustration that i can bellow.

it was nice to clean the upstairs with cindy last night and set up the new desk as we listened to dave ramsey.

it was nice to get to work 15 minutes early and talk to God about the day I was to begin, before I began it. it was nice to ask for His leading and strength to guide me through the day.

these were some nice things that i would like to do more often.

i'm thirsty. i don't know exactly what part of me is dying of thirst most, but i know that it's been a long time since i've drank deeply from His well. i know that God has been faithful to keep my heart soft, but what i miss is being drenched and completely soaked by the abundant life he wants to give to those who seek. i've been trying to dig my own watering hole instead of simply asking him to fill my cup to overflowing. i can't have what i don't ask for. i haven't asked lately but i'm asking now.

ditto the september 19, 2006 post. then for the update part, add:

• i've gone through another employment change
• we're still in indianapolis
• have to endure colts fans all around me
• Gracie is still living with us
• we gave the new dog back to the shelter.
• we had our one cat jump out of our car and run away
• we took in cindy's grandpa's dog
• we took in a stray cat
• our stray cat got eaten by a random stray dog that walked into our house
• we got a new kitten
• we took in a second new kitten (Subtotal=1 dog/2 kittens)
• Gracie is still living with us
• 3 kids are safe and growing (will be 2, 4, and 8 within the next few months)
• We need friends
• Miss everyone like crazy
• I need God

sat in the backyard tonight watching the sunset go down as my soul drank in the sound of silence.

cindy's grandpa did pass away just an hour after our last visit to his room. his death has given me a renewed breath of life in the way i approach every day. one of grandpa's greatest legacy that no one could dispute was the family he loved. to a man who i get to share a birthday with, he's given me a shared appreciation for making his family one of the most important investments in life. i often have too little patience or a harsher tone than necessary with the kids and i know they need a father to lead them and be their friend. when playing ball with emma, i saw her eyes light up not just because she hit the ball, but because her dad took time to pitch some attention her way. like the song says, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. grandpa, thanks for our new beginning.

with grandpa having been in a coma for the last couple weeks and just hours from his expected passing, it has given a little jumpstart to the way i live my life these days. i want no regrets when i'm laying incapacitated. i want people who visit to be joyful and to celebrate a life well lived. no sadness. what i want is probably central to most people's unspoken desires in life - to make a mark on this world and to make a difference. to not just be another number, but a history maker, an agent of change. i'm not sure when/how it started, but the more time passes, the more i feel that i'm not living that kind of life. i've told cindy that there's times that i plead out loud, "i just want my life back". somehow, life has dictated how my days and time are spent and allotted. the song by switchfoot, this is your life, seems appropriate which i've just downloaded.

This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be

God, help me to live. I choose life. I choose your way. Lead me. Lead my family. Lead my life. It's all yours.

i'm back to writing, but the rules have changed. i'm not writing for anyone else, just for me. i'm thrilled if something i write encourages, challenges, or helps someone and if so, then that is a by product, not the main intention. if someone wants to leave a comment for whatever reason, then i won't deny that option, but gone are the days that i log in to see how many hits or comments i received. denied is the desire for approval and how i stack up in other people's eyes. i do want to keep friends updated with what my family has been up to, and sometimes that will be updated more on our family blog, but for the sake of recording thoughts and stirrings in my heart and in my life, i need a quiet place. i don't mind that these thoughts are public, because if they can be used to encourage and bring hope to anybody in the world, jesus, please use them. basically, i just want my motivation in posting to be more about capturing expressions of my heart that others might happen to read, rather than writing for other people which my proudful self did in the past.

however, with all that just said, since it's been almost 6 months in between posts, i will break my rule for tonight to give a cliff notes version of the last 1/2 year of my life, but for details, i'd rather catch up over the phone, or at least email...
*i've gone through a few employment changes
*my niece, jasmine, stayed at our home for about 3-4 months this summer
*my sister gracie, just moved in with us the middle of august
*we have been going to a good local church
*emma is 7 and in 2nd grade
*luke turned 3 in august
*joshua turned 1 in august
*cindy and the kids got a dog
*cindy and i just had our 4 year anniversary which we're actually celebrating next weekend!
*overall, a mentally and emotionally trying season of life but God has always held everything together for us and in his providence we are thankful and blessed. everyone, has their health and there haven't been any personal "train wrecks", but blogging just hasn't been the highest priority on the list, until now, it's time that i return to a quiet place.

Jesus, Take the Wheel

it's been a long few weeks here as we're trying to adjust to a new era of jobs/finances/schedules. i feel that this season in our life is turning to be one of the most trying periods in our patience and resolve. it's a constant tension between working as hard as we humanly can yet not becoming self sufficient in the process. i heard a song recently which has really encouraged me as certain songs have in the past. it's from american idol winner carrie underwood titled: Jesus, Take the Wheel. who knew that reality tv could speak truth to me?!

Missed

let my words be few. remembering you laurie.

Building a House

financially speaking, we are really stretched thin right now. cindy and i are learning how to navigate through this, together. at times it is rough and yet, through this process we are both being taught some big trust/faith lessons. in trying to figure out how to best make ends meet, we're wrestling with the delicate balance between "trusting God" to provide and not overextending ourselves vs being proactive and faithful to do whatever is our responsibility through which God can work through. i'm not one who is big on breaking down the greek roots and debating theology of what i just said, but i do know that when i get motivated to try and rescue the situation and run around like a frenzied headless chicken, psalm 127:1 has been coming to mind, "unless the lord builds the house, the workers labor in vain".

Above All Else

triggered by reading stephanie's post, i am encouraged by an old favorite that i had forgotten:

"above all else, guard your heart. for it is the wellspring of life." proverbs 4:23

i've been trying to drink water lately instead of the carbonated stuff and i can tell when my body starts feeling better because i start peeing a little clearer. with food, if my body goes too long without, it starts to crave and hunger for some salad. some vegetables or something healthy. so it is with my heart. chalk it up to new years, anticipation of spring cleaning, a mid life crisis, or a loving nudge from a God who cares about me, i am hungering for a cleansing of my heart. a refreshed heart that will pump out a pure, sweet, authentic life. i want to be more selective with what i allow myself to intake because it affects my attitude, spirit, words, and actions on the backside. i want to be patient, loving, honest, pure, and alive. and in thinking about it, it's not so much "bad" things that are present, but rather the absence of those things that are good, vital, and necessary. prayer, solitude, reading, reflection, worship, community, re-creation, exercise, signs, game nights. to these disciplines, i am being called, and it feels good.